"The Wind Beneath Her Wings"

Thursday, October 7.
I woke up every morning this week wondering how to start this entry and there on the nightstand was a bookmark... "A mom's love is with us from the beginning, and yet it is only with the passing of the years-- as we grow and experience life-- that we realize how much goes into that love... Thanks, Mom for your love."

Thursday of last week we all sat vigil at mom's bedside. She was waiting for Candi to come up and for Frank to come in from back east. Football games were on the TV all day, she would have loved that! Someone was always at her side. The hospice nurse, Peter had come in earlier that day, and Maureen, the social worker, was here earlier as well and gave us courage, understanding and support - I found her very comforting.

There was such a noise overload during the day, after dinner, Frank and Candi had gone, the TV got turned down and a peace, calm came over the room. I think we all stayed awake till 11 or so, I let mom know that everyone had come to visit today and that everyone loved her and we would all be fine, if she needed to go. I went to my room and got out Grannys little pocket prayer book and read until after midnight or so. Then Gary called us all together @ 1:15 a.m. so we could all be with mom when she passed.

Heather, Matt & Aiden all left on Friday afternoon, it was so wonderful they were all here. Saturday a.m. I took the dog for a walk to the beach as friends were kayaking around the harbor "Paddle for the Cure" - Gary met me down there at 8:30 and we went to Pedro Point, Tides for breakfast... he wanted to hit Denny's but we have better restaurants. Mitch, Gary and I just kind of wandered around the house that day. I had some friends from High School (Linda Cap and Shelly) come over for a cocktail and we went out and ended up at Nicks for Crab Louies (mom's favorite restaurant - so appropriate). Gary headed home Saturday early evening and I got home for Mitch @ 9:00 - By Sunday I realized I needed time and although the thought was to throw myself back into work - I could not focus or concentrate well, so decided to take another week and I'm glad I did. It helps to start preparing for her memorial service (Pacifica Community Center, Saturday, November 6 @ 2:00)

Mitch and I have been together each day helping each other and doing what we each need to do to move forward. I asked him yesterday morning, as I fixed and served him breakfast, are you ready to be "smothered, since I don't have anyone to care for any more" but we both agree that it is time to take care of me. So for now, my comfort is organizing and going thru all of mom's treasurers... the ones she would not part with. I've tried to take a daily trip to Candi's and share with her many of the cards and flowers that have come in and bring her a few momentos or things of mom's that she could use.

I have made some progress in sorting thru all of Mom's things ( really just a dent) mostly got all the pictures in one place ... but have run across lots of little papers/article clippings, sayings, in wallets, drawers, cubbies, in with her pictures ... I will keep all the little sayings or stories of interest and pass them along as they will help me and perhaps help you since they meant enough to her to hang on to them and words to live by.

I find myself wondering, did I say enough, do enough, explain enough... but then I think... we had a life time together, (my lifetime and she shared so much of hers with all of us) ... it was enough and I'm so happy she is now at peace and out of pain and with all those who had gone before (plenty of good company up there).

So today I write from one of the clippings I ran across.

MAY YOU HAVE...

Enough happiness to keep you sweet.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you happy.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough wealth to meet your needs.
Enough enthusiasm to look forward.
Enough faith to banish depression.
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

--Anonymous

Thursday Morn

It is the wee hours of the morning. Gary stayed by mom's bedside all night. Her breathing is very shallow and it won't be long now. Mitchell and I sat vigil with her all day yesterday. Ami came and gave her a sponge bath, back rub and was so loving and caring as she has been for the past year. Michael Called, Frank will come in today. Heather, Matt and Aiden came up last night (he was the brightest part of the day and is the cutest with his dimpled smile, just like his mom). Jen came over in the evening to check in as she had the night before to make sure mom was comfortable. Joe F came over also as he had the night before. We are all so grateful for the help and love everyone has shared. Gary will go down to Candy's today. He has been one of the rocks and it is perfect that he is here now.

Mom will soon be out of her pain, which she fought for so many years. So for that we are thankful. She is the best.

Fog Fest Weekend

Sunday afternoon, Joe, Mom and Mitch in his FogFest - Lady Washington promotional outfit.

Joe, with the best seat in the house! Remind me to remove that for the next visitors

Kristen and big girl Kylie, stand and play for Great Grandma CC.

Collette, Ashley and Darrin came over for a visit.

Darrin and Kylie play while Grandpa Gar looks on.

Thanks for all the calls and support this week and weekend. Gary and Joanna, Kristen and Kylie came up on Saturday night so that was great to have them to bounce off of. Even for just 24 hours, we made the most of it and was good to talk and be around the youngens. Mom drinking smoothies, couple times a day... so got lots of fruits and veggies. She was awake for just about every visitor. Sleeps most of the day. Both her feet are swollen, perhaps too much sitting up today. Adjusted the bed so hopefully will be better in a.m. I missed seeing Elaine, Spencer and Cameron but know Mitch did a good job playing host!. Mitch took my Fog Fest shift at the Wine booth for Mizpah on Saturday and I got in my block captain obligation for a couple of hours Sunday. Joe planning on coming back Friday evening to give us a break and Cindy will come down the following weekend. Heather, Matt and Aiden coming up next weekend. Well is late Sunday night so will end this now and catch up with everyone later.

Mitchell's Home

Mom slept thru the night, maybe cause Mitch got home yesterday! Hospice social worker comes today to talk with all of us. Wednesday, Ami came from Professional Healthcare at Home, she has been taking care of mom for a year, I think, and yesterday was the first day I met her... she has done a great job and I got to watch her tender and caring ways yesterday. She is awesome, I hope I can do as well in the coming days/weeks.


She can at least get a smile out of mom. She will still come every Wed thru the VA Respite program which helps out 180 hours a year. We used up all hours last year and have another 180 hours available to us come October 1st.

I should have put a picture up of Mitch and all his grunge - he put in alot of hard work this summer, we are sure glad he is back. Said he want's to clean out his room now... my little boy is growing up!

Happy Birthday Michael - 27 yrs old today

Here is an old pic of you two from 2008... thanks for calling yesterday Michael, she was happy to hear from you. Yesterday mom had a visit from Etta and Joan and got a crab sandwich from Nicks She ate about quarter and the girls were happy she did. She was up for a couple of hours for the visit... took a good nap and then up to visit with Bobby for an hour before his bowling at the Sea Bowl on Monday Nights. Got a Call from Frank who got to say hi in the early evening before she settled in for the night.

Tuesday morning she was awake at 4 a.m. so got her some meds and back to bed until 8 a.m. She was napping most of the day but finally at 4 pm started to complain of pain so gave her the medication for the night and hopefully she will get a good nights sleep. Got calls today from Cindy and Nancy so always good to hear from them. Joe will be in CA next week, he will squeeze in a visit. Nancy and the Dawsons heading to TX for a home game with Coach Dawson and family... should be a great time.

Jones has an ear infection, he will be off to the Vet Thursday, one of Mitch's first duties upon his return tomorrow night from summer job at Camp Mather... mom has been asking for him and waiting for him to return. Thursday at 11 the hospice social worker will come in and talk with Mitch and I and Mom to help with questions and the process. Gary will be up on Saturday afternoon early evening after his birthday celebration at the Fresno Zoo with his two new grandchildren and all his family... Hope to see lots of pictures.



And look who I caught snacking on the neighbors plants and lawn this afternoon ... our neighborhood pets, Larry, Moe and Curly. Glad it was his yard and not mine, however, they probably already know I have a lot of artifical flowers and Jones keeps them away as well.

New View

Mom's new view from her living room bedside... added a few flowers, now all we need is a sunny day... maybe next weekend at the FogFest.

Here is my peddlerfaire $10 birdcage, all painted and filled with flowers. Bonnie and Dennis thought I was nuts! - not so crazy now !
Jones can't wait to pee on those flowers! He keeps sniffing them.
I got banged last week by a run away blue dumpster that was rolling straight at me, head on... I swerved into the parking garage in the alley but it clipped me. Building office said they would look at the security tapes as the janitor had given the dumpster a good running start so he could get it up over the curb... he did not have control of it and that seems to be how he does it... I told bldg mgr he either needs a spotter or some cones to stop traffic... waiting to hear back as to how they will settle, but I will get an estimate on repairs and send in my letter later in the week.

Mitch coming home on Wed... mom and I both happy about that. Maybe the car estimate will be Mitch's first duty... I have a short list of him - but he loves to be needed.

Sunday 9/19/10

3:15 a.m. up with mom, in lots of back pain and anxious...Gave her first dose of morphine... waited with her and rubbed her back till 3:30 no relief called Hospice and they said give her another dose and some lorazepam - then she was better and she fell back to sleep... I dozed in big chair until hospiice called back at 5 a.m and since she was resting comfortably I went back to bed.

8 a.m. mom awake until 9 - she ate 1/2 an egg and 4 oz of oj and 2 bites eng muffin and her regular meds and two inhaler treatments. She is now resting.

Mitch let me know via facebook - he will be home on Wed and Mom will be relieved when I tell her. (no cell phone reception in Camp Mather "country").

Had a great talk with Bobby this a.m. always great to hear of others experiences and needed support. So thank you!

This is a pic of mom from 2005 in front of the mosiac wall at Linda Mar Beach... one of those tiles say "Hughes Family" , one is Sara's our exchange student - which has an egyptian pyramid on the beach, of course she left her mark and one from Ashley.

Rough Week

While down in Coarsegold @ Gary's last weekend, mom had a sudden episode of shortness of breathe and she could not catch her breathe. Lucky Gary was there and talked her through it, got her to try and take deeper, slower breathes and she appeared to be better. After we got home with Bonnie and Dennis, we had a couple of good days and nothing eventful to speak of. Mom, of course, not eating or drinking a lot, which is usual. Mom rested up last weekend after all the company and her big trip down to YLP. So I let her sleep as much as she needed... I came home early from work Monday as the neighbors said she was not looking or feeling too well and had labored breathing - She asked me to stay with her on Tuesday a.m ( the first time she has ever said "don't leave me" so I called the Dr to get advice or see if they could squeeze her in but they said take her into ER - so off to the VA we went.

They did blood work, took chest xray, got her on oxygen and an IV right away, gave her two nebulizer treatments and reviewed all her history and the status of recent and historical med records. While we waited for prognosis... out of the blue she asked where her mother was? What? "Where's my mother" so I reminded her she had gone on many years ago.... then she said "You know why I'm here don't you?... I'm having a baby!" I asked if she was kidding me, she said no! so I asked when? and she said "Well it's 4 o'clock now, so at 6! I filled the Dr in on our discussion and he said sometimes there is confusion when elderly patients get into the sterile, unfamiliar places. But she was so clear that she knew exactly what was going on. When I returned to her room, she let me know the "Dr. was just in to check on my pregnancy" If it wasn't so sad, it would have been comical... we were able to laugh about it later. ( I suspect it was from seeing Aiden and Kylie last weekend that brought up all this)

So back to the prognosis... lots of Dr. Speak... blood work elevated in this area and that... Oxygen levels in blood very very low. xrays showed two nodules in one lung and what appears to be possible lymphoma cancer in the other. They also said the sudden incident in YLP may have been a blood clot, couldn't remember if they said may have passed thru heart or into the lung. They said sometimes, after chemo, blood clots are an issue.... several months ago, with the swelling in the left leg we searched for one... but were not able to locate one of significant size.

So then with the discussion that evening with the ER Dr ( by the way, he was gorgeous - and for mom not to be flirting with him was unusual so I know she wasn't herself - anyway, I digress) we had some decisions to make and he help us to plan our course of action. After he read her primary Dr. Stauss's reports and history he let us know that from the results, he said they would not know exactly what is going on or be able to positively tell us, with out 3-4 days in the hospital with lots of evasive testing and probing.... if after that, determining a course of treatment, which may or may not have any good outcome and which may mean they would not be able to release her back to our home.... or if we wanted to go the hospice route as Dr. Strauss, and the family had discussed previously he could write the order for that and make mom as comfortable at home as we could. After weighing mom's quality of life and many other issues these last two years since her lymphoma cancer and chemo treatment, I brought her back home and she rested comfortably thru the night. The gorgeous doctor said he believed "medicine/testing is there "FOR" people when they need it and believed it should never be done "TO" people. " So that helped in the decision process.

Wednesday we got an oxygen machine and that helped alot, Thursday, hospice sent over an adjustable hospital bed and we set up in living room ( it looks like a hospital room) but at least she won't feel so isolated when she is napping and we can keep close eye on her. All her amenities are within two or three steps from her, which takes all her energy to get to. The hospice nurse came on Friday afternoon for our initial intake evaluation. She took mom's vitals and said her oxygen levels were lower then in the hospital but gave me a range to add more oxygen when she exerts herself or needs more. She also reviewed all the medications to keep mom comfortable and help with breathing when it gets labored.

All of our neighbors are awesome, Connie and Rachael both come in several times a day to see how everyone is doing. Mom has been asking for Mitchell - he will be home on Friday so that will be a big relief off of her mind. Yesterday she said - "Jeanne and Jim" - I said Jeanne and Jim what? - "they haven't come over to see me for awhile"... so I will let them know and they both popped over today for a visit.

I have arranged to work from home remotely for the next two weeks... so will have some time to make arrangements for day time care for her thru hospice when I go back and after Mitch comes home. I'm hoping Gary or Joanna or Heather and Matt can make it up for a visit next couple of weekends. Etta and Joan G stopping by for lunch on Monday.

Hospice called already this a.m. to check in on her, and I am anxious to meet her home nurse who will be out Monday a.m. I believe. I will keep everyone informed on the blog, but feel free to call anytime or if you are in the neighborhood, please stop in.

Labor Day Weekend in YLP

Had a great 5 day trip to YLP with lots of surprises for Mom, even though I told her who all would be there!

Dennis and Bonnie got in Saturday just in time for dinner with lots of road trip stories... we never stopped laughin.

There is my Peddler Faire purchase on Sunday - thanks for the push Melinda!

"The Trio heading home on Monday - Mitchell headed back to work in the afternoon too, after putting in his time on the jig saw puzzle.

Christine and Allen came in on Friday and left early Monday morning - always great to be with them.

Father McGinn came up with Bonnie and Dennis after saying mass in Fresno. He is the only Mong speaking priest so has to come down once a month. He is off on a cruise to Alaska, wonder if he was on the same one Frank was on!

Always plenty of food... this was Bonnies fabulous homemade Sausage Spaghetti Sauce that made the trip all the way from AZ, and we are so glad it made it!

The Trio, Kelly, Melinda and Nancy

Kylie and Kristen play time - she is getting so big so fast!

Afternoon wine!

Heather with Aiden and Grams.

Trail blazing between the two houses

Bonnie @ Casa DeFruta heading up to SF for a couple of more days and visit with Tracy, Bonnies daughter in SF.

60 years Ago

As Rolph always said..."she used to change my diapers" - Happy 60th Birthday to Rolph - here with his two diaper changers, Fran and Colleen. Long time friends from Rolph street. Kathy and Kenny came down to help with the cooking and celebration held today, Saturday, at the San Pedro Valley Park... and the sun was out - surprise. It was a grand time and fabulous BBQ.

Last Wed, Claire, Jenny and Adam came over for dinner - We had Chinese food from Kenny's and did a lot of talking about the good old days. Got out the Grammar school pictures and picked out all the class, Mike, Rick, Tia and I shared! Dennis dropped in after work, too. Can't believe we forgot to take a picture. not everyday Claire get up from Arizona.

Friday night, Jen, Claire and I went to Nicks for the Class of 69 to 78 TN gathering, what a blast. Dancing and hugging all the old classmates and friends till 1 a.m. I am stiff and sore today so was great to just relax in the sun for Rolph's BD after my big night out.

Thursday Mom and I to VA for blood test and filling out paperwork. Hopefully she will qualify for a little VA pension which will help with caregiver payments... they granted her an extension on Respite hours so we get to keep Amelia on Wednesdays. Rachae, from next door will help out on MTThF.

Mitch finally called and I got to speak with him this week. We both miss him so much. He only gets off 1 day a week and working hard at Camp Mather thru August and into Sept I think. He will be ready to head home after this one. We hope to see him on Labor Day if he can get off two days.

Last Weekend - July

Gary and I relaxing from our caregiver responsibilities!

Mom stayed home with good friend Melody "Olive" - they had a nice time visiting and watching all the Pirate of the Caribean movies! Thank you Melody for spending time with her and Jones and letting me have a day to visit with the Boams, Gary & Jo, the Humanns and Thesans up in Shingle Springs, a great day in the sun and swimming pool. Great conversations, and a BBQ - you can't beat that! We also spread Janices ashes in and around all the flowers, fruits and vegetable in the Boams garden... among all her favorites. She will certainly watch over their home, gardens and family forever and always. I was so happy to be able to share this moment with them.

Happy Humanns and Bailey



















Allen showing off his freezer full of every kind of berry from his garden. Matt is picking out raspberries for his MEAD!

Christine and I in the berry bushes... so thick and full of berries and a second snap of Christine and Joanna.
Angie, Joe, Joe, Ben Alissa and Emma... what a great family - so much fun to be around.
Allen and Matt tending to the Ribs, Chicken, Bread and Zucchini - Great job guys no one left the table hungry - hardly had room for the Boam Berry Pie!

End of July 2010

Last week took mom in for check up after her hosp visit. .. she is doing better. It helps to have caregivers come in during the work week (4 hours) to get her up, fed and medicated, bathed and keep her company during the day. Dr's felt like she may have been a little overmedicated and dehydrated so keeping the fluids in and monitoring the meds. She is expecting visitor, Claire R, former neighbor this coming week, so looking forward to that. Mitch at Camp Mather doing his summer work. Lady Washington comes into SF bay Oct/November so hope he gets to volunteer on the ship again. We will go and get a tour once it docks. Quiet this weekend. Watching Netflick... just watch Invictus... great great movie. Will run out to do some shopping. Candi drove up to visit mom Wednesday so was a nice surprise for mom. Not much more to report. Looking forward to visitors from Ariz on Labor day weekend.

I really needed my Grecian Holiday with friend Linda C etal.... Thanks to Gary and Joanna who took such great care of Mom, so I didn't have much to worry about.

Happy Fourth of July

Been a while, been busy. I took a 10 day vacation in Greece and Gary and Joanna took mom to Coarsegold during that time. Jones got to go too.
See got to see lots of the babies (Great Grands). Mitch went sailing and working (volunteer) on the Lady Washington and Sailed around Pugent Sound for a month. We all needed a break. You can see my Greece pictures on Facebook. Now back to reality. Back to Work. Got mom home and she just was not feeling herself, thought she might bounce back on the weekend but couldn't get her to eat or drink much. She was sleeping alot, confused and lethargic. Frank was up during the week and we did have a nice lunch at Nicks- Monday I believe. She got a martini down( probably not a great idea) but not much of an appetite. Finally on Wednesday afternoon I decided to take her into hospital - they did lots of test and pumped her full of saline with an IV. Nothing wrong, Kidneys are ok, no fluid on lungs, don't think Lymphoma is acting up or spreading. I brought her home Friday. They thought maybe she over medicated with her pain meds, so will keep a tighter reign on them and get in some extra help during the week to make sure she is up everyday, eating and drinking and participating in life. Mitch back home now, so that lifted her spirits a bit, but still not acting or responding like i would hope. Here are some pictures of our last trip to Coarsegold to pick her up after my vacation. The family is growing and babies are both doing great.

Memorial Weekend 2010 - Meeting Aiden!

Kristen and Kylie - Heather and Aiden

Kristen and Kylie

Aiden, Mom and Dad


Great Grandma CC and Aiden

Had a terrific weekend down in Coarsegold... got to meet Aiden for the first time. All the Hummans were there and the Kerns came up also - so Kylie was there too. Took mom to the Peddler Faire and she sat in a shady area with lots of activity around her. Everyone kept coming back to check on her while we all did our antique shopping. I got a couple of cool pottery vases that went up on the living room shelf top and an old chopper that went up on the kitchen cabinet top and of course Kettle Corn! Had a wonderful dinner on Sunday night and everyone pitched in and was assigned a chore . The dogs had a great romp and Jones is tuckered out tonight. Gary came over this a.m. and helped get sprinkler set up for summer to keep the garden green. Joanna came over and helped in the house to get is ready for next guests.

Jones - My Champion!