Thursday, October 7.
I woke up every morning this week wondering how to start this entry and there on the nightstand was a bookmark... "A mom's love is with us from the beginning, and yet it is only with the passing of the years-- as we grow and experience life-- that we realize how much goes into that love... Thanks, Mom for your love."
Thursday of last week we all sat vigil at mom's bedside. She was waiting for Candi to come up and for Frank to come in from back east. Football games were on the TV all day, she would have loved that! Someone was always at her side. The hospice nurse, Peter had come in earlier that day, and Maureen, the social worker, was here earlier as well and gave us courage, understanding and support - I found her very comforting.
There was such a noise overload during the day, after dinner, Frank and Candi had gone, the TV got turned down and a peace, calm came over the room. I think we all stayed awake till 11 or so, I let mom know that everyone had come to visit today and that everyone loved her and we would all be fine, if she needed to go. I went to my room and got out Grannys little pocket prayer book and read until after midnight or so. Then Gary called us all together @ 1:15 a.m. so we could all be with mom when she passed.
Heather, Matt & Aiden all left on Friday afternoon, it was so wonderful they were all here. Saturday a.m. I took the dog for a walk to the beach as friends were kayaking around the harbor "Paddle for the Cure" - Gary met me down there at 8:30 and we went to Pedro Point, Tides for breakfast... he wanted to hit Denny's but we have better restaurants. Mitch, Gary and I just kind of wandered around the house that day. I had some friends from High School (Linda Cap and Shelly) come over for a cocktail and we went out and ended up at Nicks for Crab Louies (mom's favorite restaurant - so appropriate). Gary headed home Saturday early evening and I got home for Mitch @ 9:00 - By Sunday I realized I needed time and although the thought was to throw myself back into work - I could not focus or concentrate well, so decided to take another week and I'm glad I did. It helps to start preparing for her memorial service (Pacifica Community Center, Saturday, November 6 @ 2:00)
Mitch and I have been together each day helping each other and doing what we each need to do to move forward. I asked him yesterday morning, as I fixed and served him breakfast, are you ready to be "smothered, since I don't have anyone to care for any more" but we both agree that it is time to take care of me. So for now, my comfort is organizing and going thru all of mom's treasurers... the ones she would not part with. I've tried to take a daily trip to Candi's and share with her many of the cards and flowers that have come in and bring her a few momentos or things of mom's that she could use.
I have made some progress in sorting thru all of Mom's things ( really just a dent) mostly got all the pictures in one place ... but have run across lots of little papers/article clippings, sayings, in wallets, drawers, cubbies, in with her pictures ... I will keep all the little sayings or stories of interest and pass them along as they will help me and perhaps help you since they meant enough to her to hang on to them and words to live by.
I find myself wondering, did I say enough, do enough, explain enough... but then I think... we had a life time together, (my lifetime and she shared so much of hers with all of us) ... it was enough and I'm so happy she is now at peace and out of pain and with all those who had gone before (plenty of good company up there).
So today I write from one of the clippings I ran across.
MAY YOU HAVE...
Enough happiness to keep you sweet.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you happy.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough wealth to meet your needs.
Enough enthusiasm to look forward.
Enough faith to banish depression.
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.
--Anonymous
